Better Than You
by Angel46
Summary: Relatives in California, annoying 4 year olds, fairies....Do the math. Please R & R. (Chapter 15 up!!!)
1. Leaving

I hope that this is a pleasant change from all the romance people INSIST on writing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Better Than You  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Artemis fumed silently in the back of the limousine on its way to the airport. I can't believe Mother thinks that Butler is having a 'criminal' influence on me!! He thought. Two days earlier, Artemis had snapped at his mother for disrupting his criminal plans.  
  
Her eyes had taken on a steely glint as she replied coolly, "You may not speak to me that way, young man. Butler is having a bad influence on you I see. I think its time that you met your Aunt Eva and Uncle Rod."  
  
He remembered opening his mouth to protest hotly and she had cut him off with a shake of her head, "No buts, Artemis." She smiled gently, "Besides, you always work so hard on that laptop of yours. Don't you think its time you took a break?"  
  
He recalled himself hesitating, and in that moment of hesitation, she had smiled brilliantly and swept out of the room leaving him to absorb what had just happened. He felt the car slow down dramatically, and then it pulled to a stop. His door opened and he stepped out, squinting in the harsh sunlight. Butler removed his luggage from the trunk and put a hand on Artemis' shoulder reassuringly, but, all the same, he couldn't shake the hollow feeling deep in his gut. His father had accompanied them to the airport and now walked alongside Artemis.  
  
He glanced down at Artemis, "Artemis. You know your mother only wants the best for you."  
  
Artemis sighed, "I suppose. It's just." He trailed off uncertainly.  
  
His father looked straight ahead at the security gate. He turned his gaze pointedly on Butler.  
  
Butler caught his meaning and said, "Don't worry, Master Fowl. I left my weapons in the car." His father nodded approvingly and handed the car keys to the security guard as he passed through the metal detectors.  
  
Artemis stepped in after him and Butler followed. I can't believe my mother is going through with this. I was sure that she would change her mind after the first round of cold-shouldering.  
  
Artemis Sr. looked down solemnly at his son, "Well, I guess I will see you in two months, Artemis." He extended his hand for Artemis to shake. Artemis shook it and turned to Butler.  
  
Artemis Sr.'s face softened as he acknowledged the need for a private goodbye between his son and the bodyguard, "I need to go to the restroom for a moment." With that he excused himself quietly.  
  
Artemis looked at Butler, fighting the small lump that had surreptitiously risen in his throat. Butler knelt down to Artemis' level, hesitated for a long moment, then, quickly, wrapped his arms around Artemis in a fatherly hug. Then he stood turning away quickly; "You'll be all-right Master Artemis. It's only two months."  
  
Artemis Sr. returned as the call for first class passengers boomed out over the intercom. "Goodbye, son." "Goodbye, Father." Artemis turned on his heel and walked into the hallway that connected the jet to the airport. 


	2. Family

First class was pleasant as always. Artemis fidgeted, something he rarely did, out of sheer boredom. His mother had refused to allow him to bring his laptop, insisting that his Aunt and Uncle had a perfectly acceptable PC. Hah! he thought Perfectly acceptable my foot! No ordinary PC could even attempt to match his advanced laptop.  
  
The flight attendants were sickeningly polite and treated him as if he were a mere child. He dismissed them irritably with a wave of his slender hand. Artemis stared out the window trying to interest himself in the desert rolling by beneath them. It is useless. A bitter half-smile pulled at his face. Perhaps next time I will remember to keep my composure when I am annoyed.  
  
The 'fasten your seat-belts' sign lit up and an automated voice came over the intercom "Please, turn off all cell phones, game-boys, and other electronics. We will be landing in about ten minutes, so, please stay in your seats with your seat belts fastened. Do not begin moving about in the cabin until the plane has come to a complete stop. Thank you for flying with Lufthansa Airlines."  
  
The plane began descending and Artemis felt the pressure behind his ears build up. He yawned deliberately and felt his ears pop. The plane touched down smoothly, taxiing to a stop. He unbuckled his seat belt and was the first off the plane. The first thing that met his eyes was a tan girl of about twenty-one, snapping her gum ostentatiously, and holding up a hastily done sign with his name scribbled out on it. Artemis sighed to his self. This is going to be a long summer indeed.  
  
As he walked up the first words she said were, "Ya got any baggage checked, Art?" He nodded, not bothering to correct her obvious misuse of grammar. She walked quickly over to the baggage conveyor belt. She shouldered one of his bags and pulled the other one behind her. He followed sullenly, arms crossed. She looked back at him, "You know, Art, you don't mind if I call you Art do ya?"  
  
He was about to reply that, yes, he did mind if she called him 'Art', when she continued, "Because, even if ya did, I'd call you it anyway. By the way, you can call me Danny. Oh, stop sticking that lower lip out so far. This is California for goodness sake, lighten up!" In response, he only clamped his jaw tighter, believing that this was going to be a miserable visit, no matter what.  
  
Danny hailed a taxi, tossed his baggage in the trunk with a satisfying thump, and got in the threadbare cab. Five minutes later, she looked at him appraisingly, "Ya really don't remember me, do ya, Art? Not that you could. I mean the only time I ever saw you was when you were born."  
  
He looked at her for a moment then replied, "No. I wasn't even aware that I had any relatives. stateside."  
  
She smiled easily, "Well, loosen up. California's a great place to be.especially if you need a good tan." She glanced meaningfully down at the pale nature of his skin. He followed her gaze, catching her drift as he resumed staring out the window at the setting sun. The taxi pulled into the driveway of a large house overlooking the ocean. Artemis got out of the car and began walking up the steps to the door as Danny got the baggage and paid the driver. She bid the driver good night and stepped up beside Artemis. He rang the doorbell, listening to it chime over and over again. He heard several locks being undone and finally the door opened.  
  
There was a little blond-haired boy standing in the doorway. He looked up at Artemis. The boy's jaw dropped and he screamed louder than Artemis ever thought possible. He ran back into the house yelling at the top of his little lungs, "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! DRACULA IS REAL! HE IS STANDING AT OUR FRONT DOOR! MOMMY, DADDY, HELP!!!"  
  
Danny stepped up beside Artemis, wincing at her brother's incessant screams, "Well, that's my brother for you. I told Mom and Dad it was a bad idea to let him watch Dracula."  
  
Artemis was puzzled, "Why would he associate me with Dracula?" Once again, Danny looked down at his pale skin, "Oh."  
  
The little boy ran behind the nearest chair and peeked out fearfully as a matronly lady, with salt and pepper colored hair, gracefully walked up to the door, "Oh, hello. You must be Artemis. You can call me Aunt Eva."  
  
A man walked up behind her, running his fingers through his sandy blond hair, "Hi, Artemis. Sorry about Pfeiffer over there. I'm afraid that he takes late night movies way too seriously. I'd be honored if you'd call me Uncle Rod. Danielle has probably already told you to call her Danny." He leaned over, closer to Artemis, confidentially and whispered, "Just between you and me Artemis, you should do as she says. You never know how to handle her mood swings."  
  
He winked as Danny screeched, "Dad!"  
  
Eva turned around calling out, "Pfeiffer? It's okay to come out now. This isn't Dracula; this is your cousin, Artemis."  
  
Pfeiffer stood up uncertainly, lisping, "Artis?" 


	3. Sightseeing

Artemis corrected him immediately, "Artemis."  
  
The boy beamed happily and repeated, "Artis!"  
  
Artemis shook his head, "No. My name is Art-em-is", he said enunciating carefully.  
  
Pfeiffer mimicked in a singsong tone, "Artis, Artis, Art-is!"  
  
Artemis rubbed at his eyes blearily. The pronunciation lesson would have to come later.  
  
Eva saw his gesture and looked at him sympathetically, "Oh, you poor dear, you must be exhausted from your flight. Come, let me show you to your room."  
  
Artemis followed her gratefully to a room walled-papered in Nautilus blue with a spectacular view of the ocean.  
  
Danny heaved his bags into the closet, "Night, cuz'. The waves should put you to sleep instantly."  
  
Pfeiffer came to his door and said solemnly, "Goodnight, Artis." He paused for another minute in the doorway and asked quite seriously, "Are you sure you're not a vampire?"  
  
Artemis turned away and called back over his shoulder, "I'm sure." The quilt was filled with feathers and the pillow was filled with the same. He sank into it gratefully, feeling a flash of loneliness before sleep overtook his weary mind. The dawn crept into the room subtly, caressing Artemis into wakefulness. A foreign smell swept in grandly, mixing pleasantly with the crisp salt air. He pulled on a polo shirt and khaki shorts, running a comb quickly through his jet-black hair. He went downstairs, following the vaguely familiar smell to the kitchen.  
  
Eva had her salt and pepper hair pulled back in a messy bun. She was standing over a steel stove, thoroughly mixing a crème colored batter. She poured the batter onto a flat pan and looked up, "Good mornin' sunshine. Pancakes sound good to you, hon? I've got cold strawberries to slice up on top if you want."  
  
Artemis furrowed his brow. So, that is what the smell was. I haven't had pancakes in years. "All-right. That sounds.good."  
  
Eva smiled sunnily and stacked three pancakes on a glass plate with engraved flowers around the rim. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out syrup and a green carton filled to the brim with huge strawberries. She set his plate down on the table and walked upstairs to wake Pfeiffer up. Danny was all ready sitting at the table, half of her pancakes gone, her mouth bulging with food, "M-ff-gulp. Morning Art."  
  
He sat down, "Good Morning, Danielle."  
  
She shot him a purely venomous look and replied, "My name is Danny."  
  
He merely cocked an eyebrow at her, distributed sliced strawberries all over his golden brown pancakes and smothered them in maple syrup. Artemis lifted a bite cautiously to his mouth. His eyes widened as he chewed slowly.  
  
Danny seeing this said, "My mom makes the best pancakes in the world, doesn't she?"  
  
He nodded agreeably.  
  
She continued, "Any hoo, we are going downtown San Diego today, Los Angeles tomorrow, and Hollywood the day afterwards. Oh yeah! We are also going to visit this guy's mansion today. He's supposed to have a huge collection of acting awards, like Oscars, Emmys and a bunch of other stuff."  
  
Artemis's head snapped up, "Really? How interesting."  
  
Danny gave him a strange look, "Yeah, and he's supposed to be like a midget or something." Maybe this trip won't be such a waste of time after all. 


	4. Traitor

Uncle Rod hailed a taxi and instructed the driver to go to the 'Oscar Mansion.'  
  
Artemis smiled wickedly to himself.  
  
The taxi pulled up to a large mansion with ivory white pillars.  
  
A guide in loose servantile clothes stood near the oak doors. He informed the tour group, "The proprietor of the mansion is currently at home. If he is in a good mood, he may come out and personally accompany this group on the tour."  
  
'Something is wrong' mused Artemis. The guide's smile was too broad, too happy, and too.fake. Then again, perhaps he was just being paranoid.  
  
The family stepped in through the glimmering doors and into a room with waxed tile and plush carpets.  
  
The guide stepped behind them and locked the doors quietly with a barely audible 'click.'  
  
Artemis stiffened and the hairs on the back of his neck began standing straight up. 'I really don't like this.Oh, how I wish you were here Butler.'  
  
The guide stepped in front of them again with that cheesy smile plastered on his face. Then suddenly, the smile dropped from his face to be replaced by a sinister smirk, "Seeing as how we are all ready, let me tell you what we are really here for."  
  
'I really don't like this!' screamed Artemis's logical mind hysterically. Outwardly, however, he maintained his cool composure.  
  
The guide reached into his loose clothing and pulled out an evil looking handgun hefting it casually in his hand, "Now that I have your attention, I do have your attention, don't I?"  
  
Everyone but Artemis nodded dumbly.  
  
"Good. When I call out your name, identify yourself in some way, shape, or form. Danielle Misha Fowl."  
  
Danny hesitated then nodded timidly.  
  
"Pfeiffer Kaleb Fowl."  
  
Pfeiffer called out thoughtfully, "If I say yes, can I have some cotton candy?"  
  
The guide-turned-traitor smiled indulgently, "If you do what I say I will give you all the candy you want. Artemis Fowl the II."  
  
Artemis narrowed his eyes and said nothing.  
  
The man called out again, "Artemis Fowl!"  
  
Eva looked at him worriedly as he continued in his silence.  
  
The guide saw the look and smiled again, "Maybe if he won't reveal himself, a little boy will. What do you think Pfeiffer? Do you want some cotton candy?"  
  
"Yeah!" yelled out Pfeiffer excitedly.  
  
"All you have to do is tell which one of the these three people is Artemis."  
  
Pfeiffer looked over at Artemis and said, pointing a chubby forefinger at him, "There's Artis! Can I have my cotton candy now?" 


	5. The Diggums Deal

Pfeiffer squealed loudly just barely dodging Artemis's grasp. He ran around the gunman and skidded behind his mother.  
  
Artemis chased him around a stately pillar and into a carpeted room.  
  
The man shouted after them, "Hey!" and followed them at his top speed.  
  
Artemis was starting to catch up with Pfeiffer when he ran smack into a pine table, bruising his delicate skin.  
  
Pfeiffer giggled thinking that this was all some wonderful game not once suspecting that the man could be dangerous.  
  
Danny came around the opposite corner catching Pfeiffer as he looked over his shoulder. She ran back to Eva and Rod and set him down within his mother's grasp.  
  
Rod slunk away quietly to hide behind a balboa tree. He crouched there motionless as the man slid around the corner. Suddenly, he leapt out and brought his fists clasped together, crashing down on the man's vulnerable back, rendering him unconscious.  
  
The gun clattered to the ground and Eva picked it up shakily as the short millionaire came downstairs aroused by all the noise.  
  
The midget stopped dead in his tracks as he recognized Artemis, "Fowl."  
  
It was more of a statement rather than a question, needing no affirmation.  
  
Artemis nodded, "Diggums. I did not think that you would be so stupid as to exhibit your stolen awards."  
  
Mulch froze, his eyes frozen on Artemis, "I'm not showing them to anyone.Who are they?" he asked indicating the others.  
  
. "No one that concerns you Diggums." Artemis replied curtly, "However, the man that is lying on the ground tried to attack us. I trust that you had nothing to do with this?"  
  
Mulch shook his head furiously, "No way! I know better than to cross you. Or that Butler person."  
  
"Good. I wonder.Are the LEP still after you, Mulch?"  
  
Mulch's eyes narrowed craftily, "I've got a deal for you, Fowl. You keep your yap shut about where I am, and I'll be quiet about this little mishap."  
  
Artemis smiled, satisfied, "Deal." 


	6. Danny

Rod hailed a taxi numbly and they all climbed inside.  
  
Everyone sat silently not daring to ask the question that everyone wanted to ask but no one wanted to say.  
  
They walked inside, each heading to their separate rooms.  
  
Artemis sat down on his bed and pulled out his hand-held palm-pilot.  
  
Suddenly his door burst open with a very suspicious Danny standing in the doorway, "All-right, Artemis. Mom and Dad may be turning a blind eye toward all this but I want to know what all that back at the Oscar Mansion. You're going to tell me everything."  
  
The look on her face and the tone of her voice left no room for negotiation.  
  
He took a deep breath and started at the beginning when he had first met Holly Short, leaving out certain parts, of course.  
  
When he had finished 1 hour later, she was staring at him disbelievingly, "So the midget at the mansion was a dwarf? That explains a lot.Fairies exist?"  
  
Artemis nodded beginning to wonder if it was such a good idea to have told Danny all this.  
  
Her eyes grew very round, "Artemis.Have you told anyone else about this, other than Butler I mean?"  
  
"No."  
  
She looked at him doubtfully and said, "Are you sure that these things really happened? Are you sure that you don't need to see a psychiatrist?"  
  
He smiled inwardly, he should have known that she would react this way.  
  
'This is almost better. If I can get her to believe that it is all in my head then the most she will do is tell her parents to send me to a shrink.'  
  
So he turned his head, not meeting her eyes, and said waveringly, "I think so."  
  
She frowned and said, "Artemis! Don't you lie to me! Look me in the eyes when you talk to me. And don't try to pull that 'maybe-if-I-look-unsure- she-won't-believe-me' act. You were telling the truth. Don't underestimate me! And don't worry about it, I won't tell anyone."  
  
'Dang it! I should tried to unsure while I was telling my story. Why did I even tell her?' 


	7. Night

Danny smirked triumphantly, "See what you can learn when you have a baby brother?"  
  
Artemis simply looked at her expressionlessly.  
  
Then, Danny yawned, "My day must be catching up to me. "Night, Artemis."  
  
"Goodnight Danielle."  
  
She turned around, nostrils flaring, eyes narrowing, and face flushing, "My name, for the 2nd time, is Danny. If you keep calling me 'Danielle' then I'll see how you would like to take a nice loooong walk with my brother."  
  
He cocked an eyebrow again and lay back down on his pillow.  
  
Danny flicked his light off and walked out.  
  
The waves crashed noisily on the shore masking all other sounds.  
  
A floorboard creaked, just barely heard over the relentless pounding of the surf.  
  
The hair on the back of Artemis's neck rose up slowly, as a shadow fell across the wooden floor, coming from the slight crack in the doorjamb.  
  
'Just relax.'  
  
He told himself,  
  
'Its probably just someone getting up for a glass of water or something.'  
  
The shadow paused in its flight across the floor and silence prevailed.  
  
It even seemed as though the waves had ceased for the moment.  
  
The moment seemed to span eternity before the shadow moved away and out of sight.  
  
Artemis relaxed and unwillingly succumbed to sleep. 


	8. Morning

. The morning dawned far too early for Artemis.  
  
The sun burned his thin eyelids and sleep left him as quickly as it had come.  
  
He sat up uncertainly as he remembered his experience the previous night.  
  
As his bare feet touched the ground, he dismissed it as an irrational fear induced by lack of sleep.  
  
He dressed leisurely and walked downstairs, hearing the bacon sizzle in the pan.  
  
Artemis paused for a minute listening to Danny's heavy footsteps as she chased the squealing Pfeiffer, then, continued on his way.  
  
The golden sunlight streamed in through the French windows, illuminating the messy living room.  
  
'Strange'  
  
he thought.  
  
'Any other time the unkempt room would have bothered me.Now I find it oddly. endearing?'  
  
Artemis blinked in surprise and dismissed it once again as a by-product of his lack of sleep.  
  
He turned the corner and saw Eva, cooking, as always, "Good Morning, Aunt Eva."  
  
She looked up and beamed happily at him, "Morning, Artemis. Did you sleep well?"  
  
Artemis hesitated before answering and then lied smoothly,  
  
"Very well. And yourself?"  
  
"I slept fine until about midnight when a variety of sounds woke me up. I declare! It sounded as if someone had broken into our house, but, nothing is missing."  
  
She shook her head,  
  
"Very odd indeed."  
  
Danny came careening around the corner closely following Pfeiffer, who had his mouth full of something.  
  
"Morning, Art'."  
  
She called out as she rushed by.  
  
"Good morning.Danielle." He called out evilly.  
  
At these words she stopped dead in her tracks, "You asked for it Art."  
  
Muttering under her breath so only Artemis could hear her.  
  
"Mom? Isn't there some way for Pfeiffer to get rid of all his excess energy? Come to think of it he needs to spend some time with his cousin.Maybe Art' can take him for a nice long walk before Pfeiffer's naptime, eh? That way we can get some rest and Artemis gets some 'quality time with his cousin."  
  
Eva tilted her head then nodded, "I think that would be a good idea. You don't mind, do you Artemis?"  
  
Artemis's jaw tightened and he gritted his teeth, prepared to refuse.  
  
Then he recalled his mother's words before he had gotten into the limo to the airport  
  
'Don't give them any trouble. You do everything that they ask you to and don't talk back!'  
  
He forced his jaw to relax and replied diplomatically, "Of course, Aunt Eva."  
  
"Thanks darlin'."  
  
And she began heaping bacon and omelette onto his empty plate. 


	9. Crime & Punishment

Danny continued chasing Pfeiffer until she finally managed to corner him in a closet.  
  
She forced him to spit into a bowl, which was confusing to Artemis, until he saw what popped out.  
  
Pfeiffer had in his mouth a soggy, silver necklace with a bent dolphin charm dangling off the end.  
  
Danny shouted in triumph,  
  
"Hah! I finally got it back from you, you little-"  
  
She broke off suddenly when Eva called out warningly,  
  
"Danny."  
  
"Ummm.you little munchkin. How would you like to go for a walk with cousin Artemis, Pfeiffer?"  
  
Pfeiffer inquired,  
  
"Artis?"  
  
Danny nodded eagerly,  
  
"That's right, Artis."  
  
Pfeiffer looked at him doubtfully,  
  
"Are you sure? He's boring."  
  
"Who? Artis? Naaa. It'll be a load of fun!"  
  
"All right."  
  
He agreed reluctantly.  
  
Artemis felt his anger rising to the surface again and he squelched it hurridly.  
  
He could not take any chances with this family, especially if one of them knew his story already.  
  
Pfeiffer wolfed his food down chattering the whole time and still managed to finish before everyone else.  
  
He annoyed Artemis to no end.  
  
'When will that little ball of energy just shut up???'  
  
He thought.  
  
The day passed rather quickly despite the fact that Danny and Eva insisted on shopping all morning.  
  
After about 2 tortuous hours of sifting through stores for bargains, Rod leaned in teasingly to Artemis,  
  
"See what we men-folk have to put up with?"  
  
Artemis nodded agreeably, noticing with horror that Danny and Eva had just spotted another likely store and were beginning to drag them inexorably toward it. 


	10. Ice Cream

'Oh no! Not again!' He thought.  
  
Rod walked up ahead of him, "I'll see if I can get them to let us off the hook for now, Artemis."  
  
Artemis nodded eyeing a promising bench.  
  
Rod caught up with them and began gesturing emphatically to Artemis and everywhere else, looking as though he was talking with his hands. Finally, Eva nodded, turned around, and walked into the store with Danny and Pfeiffer at her heels.  
  
"C'mon, Artemis. We can go rest for a while. Ice cream sound okay to you?"  
  
Artemis furrowed his brow, 'Ice cream? Not likely.' But what he said out loud was, "Sure. Whatever you want, Uncle Rod."  
  
Rod nodded and turned left into a small, pastel colored shop named "Carlucci's House of Italian Sweets".  
  
Artemis followed him inside and immediately shivered, goose-bumps rising on his arms and neck. 'Its freezing!' He thought. He walked up near the register and a particular flavor of ice cream caught his eye "Jalapeno Ice Cream. Only for those who like a 'fiery ice'!" He blinked in surprise and revulsion, 'These crazy people will eat anything!'  
  
Rod, too, passed over the jalapeno ice cream, instead, heading for a flavor called "Mint Chocolate Chip. Leaves your mouth feeling fresh!"  
  
Artemis thought, 'Hmm.That sounds a little bit safer than these other crazy things.' He continued to scan over all the other flavors, finally settling on, "Strawberry Chocolate. Best this side of California!"  
  
Rod paid for them and they went outside to find a bench. Half an hour later, they were finished and Rod went to inform Eva that they would meet them at home later. He returned, "Where do you want to go now, Artemis?"  
  
Artemis shrugged. It was all the same to him.  
  
Rod looked at him, "Are you sure that there's nothing that you want to see here? There's plenty of places to go, like, Legoland, Hollywood, San Diego- "  
  
He stopped abruptly when Artemis began shaking his head, "No, thank-you. I'm fine."  
  
Rod looked him over doubtfully, then, his eyes brightened, "Hey! I know! I could let you explore o your own a little bit around our neighborhood! You can talk with the locals, maybe make a few friends. I'll give you the spare cell phone so I can call you when you need to come back. Sound okay?"  
  
Artemis sighed, there was just no winning with this family, "Okay. But, only for a little bit."  
  
Rod drove him to a spot by the beach with plenty of teenagers, Artemis's age and otherwise, "This is a great beach! You'll like it, I promise."  
  
'Right!' he thought sarcastically. He simply nodded and got out of the van that they kept for shopping excursions. Artemis had surreptitiously slid his palm-pilot into his pocket as they left the house. He figured that if he just did business on the miniature computer while time flew by, he could waste enough hours to be called back into the house. Of course, things did not turn out the way he had planned them to. 


	11. Punk

Rod called after him, "Because the women of the family stayed out past Pfeiffer's nap, you can walk with him on the beach this evening, after we eat. Okay?"  
  
Artemis nodded indifferently, waving a hand once over his shoulder. As soon as he heard the van pull away, he pulled out the mini computer and accessed one of his many e-mail addresses. He had over 50 messages, since it had been a long time since he had been alone. The endless chatter of California's teens buzzed in his ears, driving him up the wall.  
  
Someone made a rude comment and a group of guys burst out laughing.  
  
Artemis looked up squinting.  
  
The "leader" appeared to be pointing and laughing at him.  
  
His temper flared for the 2nd time in California. He ignored them and continued with his e-mail.  
  
They burst out laughing again, even louder this time.  
  
Finally, he snapped. He sighed loudly, put his palm pilot in his pocket, stood up and began walking away.  
  
The ring-leader imitated his sigh, extracting another round of snickers from his cronies.  
  
Artemis hardened his mouth into a thin line, determinedly. 'I will not give them the satisfaction of seeing me get angry. I will not!' He walked down the path, about 50 feet away from the shore, watching already tan children splashing in the ocean happily.  
  
The teens that were snickering at him earlier had evidently decided that he was an entertaining target to torment for as long as they could.  
  
He heard their heavy footsteps behind him, drawing closer and closer. He paused for a minute to tie his shoe, which had become untied in his rush to give the offending teens the slip.  
  
In his moment of distraction, they had formed a seamless circle around him quietly.  
  
He stood up slowly, listening carefully to their monotonous buzzing.  
  
The leader stepped forward, "Well, well, well. What do we have here? It looks like a stuck-up foreigner. Where is your kilt, foreigner? Did you leave it with your mommy in England?"  
  
Artemis gave in to his anger and replied coolly, "For your information, you juvenile delinquent, I am from Ireland. A kilt comes from Scotland and my mother is just fine, thank you very much."  
  
They all laughed again, as the punk spoke, "Oh! We have a tough guy! What should we do with this tough guy? Should we teach him some manners?"  
  
"Yeah!" they all chorused in unison.  
  
Artemis listened to all this with a growing sense of unease.  
  
Suddenly, their laughter lowered a notch. Their once fun-filled laughs now carried a dangerous undertone. He turned back to the leader, who was smirking confidently. Like the punks surrounding him, his voice was dangerously low, "Do you need some lessons in manners, Irish boy? I'm a very good teacher."  
  
"No, thank you." Artemis turned around and tried to walk away. He found himself suddenly hemmed in on all sides.  
  
The leader's voice went down another notch, "Well, isn't that too bad. I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson anyway."  
  
Artemis saw the fist coming but didn't connect it with the fact that it was probably going to hit him until it had already happened. He suddenly found himself reeling backwards, tripping and falling to the ground.  
  
The leader stood over him for a minute and for a moment Artemis thought that he was going to hit him again, then, the entire group turned tail and ran.  
  
Artemis faintly heard someone yelling unintelligible phrases after them.  
  
Through a foggy daze, he saw a vaguely familiar figure bending over him, "It will be all-right, Artemis. They're gone."  
  
As consciousness slipped from him, he felt someone picking him up gently, almost as if he were a porcelain doll.  
  
"It's okay now. I'm here." 


	12. Butler

Artemis woke up in the guest-room at Eva and Rod's house. He sat up and looked around until he noticed the shadow that fell over him. He looked up, "Butler?" he cried out disbelievingly.  
  
The bodyguard looked up quickly, "Hello, Artemis."  
  
"What are you doing here? I thought that Mother had instructed you to stay in Ireland! How did you find me?"  
  
The faintest trace of amusement flickered across Butler's face; "Your father's orders take precedence over your mother's. He told me to come here to protect you because, as he pointed out, there are plenty of people who would not hesitate to kidnap you for revenge or ransom."  
  
"Does my mother know you are here?"  
  
Butler hesitated, "No. I- We thought it best if she wasn't aware of my departure. She might have stopped me when you needed me."  
  
Artemis contemplated this for a moment, then nodded, "Yes. Very good, then. How did you find me?"  
  
"Another of your father's foresights. He planted a minescule tracking device on your clothing. It took me a little bit to catch up to you because of your shopping day. I arrived just as those punks were attacking you."  
  
Artemis thought for a little while in silence, then asked, "Do my Aunt and Uncle know who you are?"  
  
Butler shook his head, "Not at the moment. All they know is that I am some kindly passerby who helped you out of a tight spot."  
  
Eva walked in looking concerned, "Are you feeling all right, Artemis? Do you feel dizzy or anything?"  
  
"I'm fine Aunt Eva."  
  
"Are you sure? You might have had a concussion or somethin' horrible like that and then where would we be? Your parents would blame us and you'd never come to see us again, and."  
  
"Calm down, Mom. He's fine, aren't ya, Art'?" said Danny, striding in swiftly.  
  
Eva breathed deeply, trying to calm down.  
  
Rod walked in and stood next to Butler, "I see that you got out of your walk with Pfeiffer after all." He winked.  
  
"For now," muttered Danny.  
  
Artemis suppressed a smile,  
  
'So, some good came out of the punks anyway.' 


	13. Mulch's warning

He drifted slowly into sleep.  
  
A slight breeze pushed through his room, seemingly pushing his door open.  
  
Artemis walked to the restroom to get some water, that's when he saw the shadow.  
  
Gliding in barely perceptible movements across the downstairs floor, was a shadow too big to be Pfeiffer and too small to be Butler or anyone else.  
  
Instinctively, Artemis grasped a lamp and carried it down stairs with him. He crouched behind a corner, gripping the lamp tightly.  
  
As the shadow came around the bend, Artemis waited until a part of the invader was visible, then, he brought the heavy lamp crashing down on their head, knocking them to the floor. He leaned in for a closer look to see that the intruder was none other than Mulch Diggums.  
  
"Diggums?" Artemis asked unbelievingly.  
  
"You were expecting the President, maybe? Of course its me."  
  
Mulch stood up, rubbing his bruised head.  
  
"Why are you here?"  
  
Mulch glared at him, "Now why would I want to tell you anything after you broke a light over my poor head?"  
  
Artemis smiled coldly, a light that didn't reach his eyes, "If I wake Butler up, you're going to get a many more things damaged than your 'poor head.'"  
  
Mulch's eyes narrowed, "All right," he replied softly, "The council thinks you are far too dangerous to let live. Almost half of them have voted for your quiet disposal. However, it takes a 2/3 vote for them to dispose of a human threat to the fairy relm. You had better hope that they don't vote that way, Fowl. Otherwise, I wouldn't bet dirt on your survival."  
  
Mulch started to go the other way, when Artemis stopped him, "How can I change their minds, Diggums?"  
  
Mulch turned, "You can't. Even I know what a danger you are."  
  
"Mulch! I know that I am a danger, but, how can I prove that this danger won't assert itself against the fairies? At least not in an exposure kind of way."  
  
Mulch raised his eyebrows and walked through the door, halfway out he paused and said, "There's not much you can do, Fowl. Except, be a good little boy and give up your criminal ways of life and pretending you are not a genius."  
  
'That's not likely.' Thought Artemis.  
  
He started to ask Mulch another question, only to find that Mulch had flown the coop, again. 


	14. Protocol

Artemis sat down on the bottom of the stairs, his fingers tangled in his hair.  
  
A quiet voice came from behind him, "What is the matter, Master Fowl?"  
  
He glanced over his shoulder at Butler, "Nothing that would concern you at the moment. It was expected, sooner or later."  
  
Butler crouched beside him, "You know, Artemis, I was sworn to protect you for always, even if it meant sacrificing my own life."  
  
Artemis sighed, a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach, "It was Mulch Diggums here tonight."  
  
Butler nodded, as though he knew this.  
  
"He warned me that the fairies have come very close to deciding that I am too much of a threat to let live."  
  
Butler straightened up, "We have dealt with the fairies before and came out all right." He reminded his employer.  
  
"Yes, but, that was on my turf then. I knew and expected almost every move they made. Now, only time will tell what will happen next."  
  
He looked out the window, gazing at the quiet stars that twinkled even when it seemed as though the world was tearing itself apart.  
  
Butler hesitated, then laid a hand on his charge's shoulder, "They will have to come through me first." He decided grimly.  
  
Artemis almost smiled, "Yes. They always do. Come. The night is young. Let us sleep while we have the chance."  
  
Artemis fell asleep even faster, sleeping the sleep of the dead. He awoke the next morning to the now familiar smell of bacon, eggs, and pancakes.  
  
He dressed quickly and walked downstairs.  
  
Eva was trying to force eggs onto Butler who was having a hard time resisting Artemis's emphatic aunt.  
  
"No, I'm fine, really."  
  
She kept trying to force a plate overflowing with food into his protesting hands, "I don't care what protocol is over in Ireland. You're in America now and I insist that you eat with the rest of us!"  
  
Butler caught Artemis's eye helplessly.  
  
The situation was so comical that Artemis had to restrain himself from breaking out into laughter. He nodded at Butler to take the food. Butler unwillingly accepted the plate and ate silently.  
  
Pfeiffer watched this exchange curiously, then burst out, "Don't giants need to eat, too?"  
  
Butler raised his eyebrows ad nodded solemnly, "This giant just isn't very hungry, right now."  
  
Pfeiffer nodded, accepting it as common sense, "When can Artis take me to the beach like you promised?"  
  
Danny's eyes brightened and she jumped in before anyone else spoke up, "Right after lunch, bro! And he will stay there with you for as long as you want."  
  
Pfeiffer grinned and giggled, anticipating quality time with cousin 'Artis'. 


	15. Better Than You

Artemis groaned silently as lunch was served, knowing that his afternoon with Pfeiffer would be absolute torture.  
  
Danny caught his eye and smiled brightly, enjoying every minute of Artemis's pained expectations.  
  
Finally lunch was over and Pfeiffer walked outside, waiting for Artemis to join him.  
  
Rod pointed Artemis down a path that led to the beach not 50 feet away, "Be back before nightfall, and please," he lowered his voice, "Keep him out for at least an hour. Your aunt and I need to plan Pfeiffer's suprise party without him around."  
  
Artemis nodded reluctantly, with any luck, Pfeiffer would fall asleep on the sand and not give him any problems.  
  
No such luck.  
  
Pfeiffer bounced around like a all on an elastic string. When he realized that Artemis wasn't going to talk to him any more than necessary, he quieted down a little bit.  
  
They walked in silence for a moment, Artemis, contemplating his fate, and Pfeiffer, contemplating his cousin's odd behaviour.  
  
Finally Pfeiffer spoke up, "Artis?"  
  
"Yes, Pfeiffer."  
  
"Why are you so different? You're not very good at lots of things."  
  
Artemis looked at Pfeiffer, half-annoyed, half-interested, "Is that so?"  
  
Pfeiffer nodded, "My mom is better than you, my dad is better than you, my sister is better than you, my friend, Billy, is better than you, my grandma is better than you, my grandpa joe is better than you, my daycare teacher, Mrs.Smith, is better than you, and Bob is better than you, and kimmy is better than you, and-"  
  
Artemis interrupted, extremely ticked off, "Okay! Okay. Is there anyone who is not better than me?"  
  
Pfeiffer stopped, eyes distant, deep in thought.  
  
Finally, he shrugged, "I'm not sure. I'm just a kid ya know."  
  
Artemis gritted his teeth, clenching his hands in frustrated at Pfeiffer's nonchalant attitude. 


	16. Briar Cudgeon

They began the long walk up the hill in silence.  
  
Pfeiffer opened his mouth to say something when a lone figure stepped out in front of them holding a wicked looking laser pistol.  
  
Artemis froze, "Who are you? Identify yourself!"  
  
A light hearted laugh echoed from the figure, "Why, Artemis, you don't remember me? That strikes me to the heart it does."  
  
A bolt of recognition hit him, "Briar Cudgeon." He breathed.  
  
"See, now that wasn't so hard was it? I was hoping that you would recognize me before my job was finished."  
  
"Job?" asked Artemis, fearing that he already knew the answer.  
  
"I'm surprised that you haven't figured it out yet. I'm here to kill you."  
  
Pfeiffer looked at Cudgeon closely, "I don't think I like him, Artis. Make him go away."  
  
Artemis pushed Pfeiffer behind him, "Stay behind me Pfeiffer."  
  
Cudgeon gestured with the laser pistol, "On your knees, Artemis. I want you to grovel and beg for your life."  
  
Artemis glared fiercely, "I don't think so Cudgeon. You forgot to factor in one small detail."  
  
"Oh, really? What might that be? Perhaps you are referring to your ignorant buffoon of a bodyguard? He is no more aware of my presence here than you were a moment ago. Face it, Artemis. You've lost. Now on your knees before I execute your small cousin behind you."  
  
Artemis hesitated, "Let him go before you do this to me. He means nothing to you."  
  
Cudgeon laughed, "And let him tell your family that I'm out here? Not likely."  
  
Artemis simply stood there, shielding Pfeiffer.  
  
Then Cudgeon sighed, "Always the optimist, eh Artemis? This still hasn't sunk in yet, has it? You still don't realize that you are going to die."  
  
Artemis held his head higher, "I fear nothing and no-one. Not even you shall deprive me of that dignity."  
  
Cudgeon started to say something, but, Artemis continued, "Nothing that you could ever do will diminish my presence. Not even my death shall hinder what I have accomplished. So, do your worst. There are fates worse than death, you traitorous scum."  
  
Cudgeon faltered momentarily, then played his wild card, "You know, Artemis, the council doesn't even know that I'm here. You see, I have my own friends in the council and I knew full well of your fate to be." He built up steam, continuing in his rightous fervor, "When they see that I have destroyed their most dangerous enemy, they will grant me re-entry into the Fairy relm. None will dare oppose me in my power!"  
  
Artemis snorted, "Come off it, Cudgeon. Do you honestly believe that they will take you back just because you assasinated a mud person?"  
  
"Ah, you underestimate your importance to the fairies. They will gladly pay almost any price to be rid of you."  
  
Artemis spat at Cudgeon's feet, "You insult me with this foolish boasting. Either do what you came to do or leave me."  
  
Cudgeon's eyes flared with his temper as he raised his gun, "Just for that I shall kill your cousin as well. The little brat is as arrogant as you!"  
  
Artemis closed his eyes as Cudgeon aimed the pistol.  
  
'I've led a good life' thought Artemis, 'I'm ready to go. I only wish I could have saved you too, Pfeiffer.'  
  
A high-pitched whine pierced Artemis's ears as Cudgeon fired.  
  
A split second later, Artemis realized that he was still alive.  
  
'Oh no! He shot Pfeiffer instead of me!' 


	17. Holly

Artemis opened his eyes in horror, turning to look behind him where Pfeiffer had been.  
  
To his ultimate surprise, Pfeiffer was still standing there, alive and kicking.  
  
Artemis's jaw fell open briefly, "Pfeiffer? But how-"  
  
"How indeed."  
  
Came a distinctly female voice from behind him. "Why don't you have a second look at Cudgeon. I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised."  
  
Following her advice, he spun on his heel to see a very dead Briar Cudgeon.  
  
"Holly!" Artemis turned around as she disengaged her shield.  
  
"You remember me then, I'm touched."  
  
"Why, Holly? I thought the council was going to have me executed."  
  
She grinned, exposing her white teeth, "Oh, they were, Artemis. They were."  
  
His face hardened, "No games please, Captain Short. Why didn't they?"  
  
She laughed unpleasantly, "The council is full of doddering old fools, too afraid to break with tradition. It has always been tradition to avoid assasinations."  
  
He contemplated this for a moment, "You are lying through your teeth, Captain Short."  
  
"Maybe, Fowl. Then again, maybe not. You'll never know."  
  
Artemis clenched his fists, then relaxed, "Thank you, Captain Short. I suppose that I owe you one."  
  
She frowned, "I hope that I never have to collect on that debt, Fowl. Until next time."  
  
Holly engaged her shield, disappearing from view.  
  
Pfeiffer tugged gently on Artemis's sleeve, "Artis?"  
  
"Yes, Pfeiffer?"  
  
"Was that girl a real fairy?"  
  
"Yes, she was." Replied Artemis, thinking that Pfeiffer would forget about this day later in life.  
  
Pfeiffer looked genuinely confused for once, "Why did she help us?"  
  
"I don't know, Pfeiffer. I don't know."  
  
A series of yells came from the hill that Pfeiffer's house was on as the entire household came tumbling down to find them.  
  
Artemis looked at Cudgeon quickly, only to realize that Holly had carted him away to avoid exposure.  
  
Danny was leading the charge, "ARTEMIS, PFEIFFER! ARE YA'LL OKAY?"  
  
Pfeiffer rolled his eyes, "Sisters."  
  
"We are just fine, Danielle."  
  
She skidded to a stop right in front of them, "We heard gunshots and then silence and we thought somethin' awful had happened to ya'll!"  
  
Pfeiffer eagerly piped up, "Danny, guess what! There was this mean guy and he waved this gun around and yelled at Artemis. Then, this girl came and shot the mean guy and she talked to Artemis too!"  
  
Danny looked up at Artemis, then back at Pfeiffer, choosing to ignore these statements, "Don't ya'll ever do that to me again!"  
  
The rest of the adults caught up, panting for breath.  
  
"Are-*puff - you-puff *- okay? Puffpuff" 


	18. Insultfest compliments of Holly

Artemis replied calmly, "We're just fine as you can see."  
  
Eva ignored his assurances and swept Pfeiffer up into her arms sobbing with relief, "Oh, my baby! I was so worried about you and Artemis!"  
  
Pfeiffer rolled his eyes again, "But mom! We're fine! Please put me down now!"  
  
She sniffed a little, but complied with his request.  
  
Artemis studied Butler, noting the worry lines that creased his forehead imperceptibly.  
  
Butler, aware of the intense scrutiny, made a visible effort to relax his face, "I am glad all is well, master Artemis."  
  
Artemis nodded once, "Not all Butler, not all. But close enough."  
  
Eva and Danny took Pfeiffer back to the house and Rod lingered behind for a moment, "I don't know what happened, but whatever it is, thanks. I know you had something to do with saving Pfeiffer."  
  
With that, he turned and walked back to the house.  
  
Artemis frowned, thinking 'Less than you think, Uncle Rod. Much less than you think.'  
  
Butler stood strong and silent beside him, knowing better than to prompt Artemis.  
  
Finally, Artemis sighed, "I suppose you want to know what went on here tonight, don't you?"  
  
Butler hesitated, then nodded.  
  
Artemis opened his mouth to begin, but was interrupted once again by Holly Short, "Well, let me say one thing to you, Butler. It was a moment to remember. Fowl here actually acted like a human being! Can you believe it? He actually showed an emotion."  
  
Butler said nothing but simply looked to Artemis for confirmaton.  
  
Artemis sighed for the second time that night, "Captain Short, must you be so vindictive? Do you still hold a grudge over our little mishap?"  
  
Holly leered at him, "Mishap? Oh no, why would I hold a grudge against you for kidnapping me and nearly costing me my life AND job? Grudge, certainly not."  
  
"Ah yes, your well known sense of humor has once again asserted itself."  
  
"What did you expect, Fowl? A thank-you card and roses?"  
  
"Not really, I've always considered you more of a chocolate fan."  
  
She scowled, "You should be thanking ME right now. Because not only did I save you, I saved your little cousin as well."  
  
He gave her a wry look, "I should think you know me better than that, Captain Short."  
  
Holly looked him over doubtfully, then smiled, "Alright then, have it your way. Until next time."  
  
Artemis stepped forward impulsively, he couldn't help himself, "Holly- Captain Short. . . ."  
  
She paused, "Yes?"  
  
He relaxed, tried to make himself believe he meant to blurt this out, "Thank you, for, you know."  
  
"Yeah I know. One last word of advice, don't ever tangle with the fairies again. Be careful, and you might just live to see the ripe old age of 18. If you're not careful, you could be forever 14. And I don't think you want to end your life there."  
  
"No, I don't, Holly. Friends then?"  
  
She turned her gaze on him, "No, " she said finally, "Not friends, but not enemies either. Goodbye, Artemis." 


End file.
